This is a quest.

So I decided to sleep after all but not before I write this for you people. Oh, who am I kidding, I am just writing this for myself on a public place of course. So, this is kind of a letter and I am pouring myself onto a piece of digital paper. I drown in an infinity hole whenever we fight. I become numb. I start feeling nothing. I am in a deep circle of nothingness. My mind seems to just stop working and pounding hard against my forehead. I don't think things. I can't. I just have to get this out of my friend, and I don't have any other way. Dark, long trees of numbness surround me and I have nowhere to go. I am lost. And there is nobody to guide me, nobody to take my hand and get me out. The only person whom I had expected to be here, with me, in these forest to take my hand and show me the way out is in a forest of their own. This is kind of a vision quest, something that'd show me what I want and how I want it but the thing is my mind becomes too numb to think ...

This is something I wrote not so long ago. And I woke up with a gaping hole in my heart and a rising pain in my chest. Heavy eyelids, red eyes, tired eyes, arising pain, oh the regrets. These all were the mere regrets of a night. What I should have and what I shouldn't have done. It was merely a gamble which turned out too big. Sometimes the other person's tolerance is the only thing you overestimate. Sometimes you are not that strong like you think. While I write these words, my stomach's misbehaving and I don't know what to do. I finally know the meaning of the phrase 'Crying myself to sleep'. Don't judge or anything but I feel really weak and fragile right now. Like I'd disappear if anyone merely put a finger on me even. Yes, that weak. By far, I mean it, by very far, this is the weakest and most helpless I have ever felt.

And the rivalries continue. The He and She thing continues. And somebody's got to pay the price besides him and her, that is them, as together, as a whole. While she uses every bit of strengh, calmness and stillness she possesses to ignore him, not reply him, he puts ice cubes all over his heart to cool down the warmth, affection and love he has for her. While the brick made walls of her heart still remain intact, his is no more. We know what the people say, 'Boys don't cry', 'Boys are strong', 'Boys are not depressed', but one should see them at 3AM in the darkest part of the night. That's where the real person comes out of the mask holding the person all day long.

A flood of emotions rushed into me. Pain and anger. Sadness and pity. But most surprising of all, hope. That rare kind of hope that actually makes you feel better. That hope helps me. That hope which makes you believe in life once again. That hope which makes you believe that you can shine too, you are a star too. That hope which makes you realize that you are not done.

Sometimes I really wish you'd not sleep like this. Sometimes I really wish that you would not leave me alone like this. Sometimes I really wish that we sleep together and be together. Sometimes I wish there would not be days like these because they make me feel a bit strange. Not that I do not like you sleeping peacefully, but I want to sleep peacefully too. I wish that you had woken up for a few minutes but I also wish that your sleep shouldn't be disturbed so I guess we can call it even. Sometimes I get so deep thinking about things and us that it seems impossible to escape that haunted house of imagination and fantasies. It gets wild. It gets catastrophic. It gets out of control. It almost seems real. It gets me you and ecstasy which is a deadly combination. The only thing it doesn't get me is the satisfaction that is is real because it is not. Sometimes I wish you were just with me, whether sleeping or not, but just with me. With me.

Just a reminder, Farhan Akhtar wrote this, not me. Dilon mein tum apni Betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho Toh zinda ho tum Nazar mein khwabon ki Bijliyan leke chal rahe ho Toh zinda ho tum Hawa ke jhokon ke jaise Aazad rehno sikho Tum ek dariya ke jaise Lehron mein behna sikho Har ek lamhe se tum milo Khole apni bhaayein Har ek pal ek naya samha Dekhen yeh nigahaein Jo apni aankhon mein Hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho Toh zinda ho tum Dilon mein tum apni Betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho Toh zinda ho tum.

I don't see why won't you just text me and end my misery, take me out of this deep hollow hole you've put me into and took prisoner. You know, today just might be the perfect day, and our rebound. It's raining, slowly as for now and the raindrops on my window makes me miss you more. Missing you and this rain is a poem on its own. They don't need any description. Although this rain is one of those where I sit on the chair in the rain with the mobile in one of my hands, scrolling your pics back and forth and the other hand holding a glass of Mountain Dew and I MISS YOU LIKE HELL. I really have no idea where you are right now, or why are you not replying but I sure hope that you miss me even a fraction of what I am missing right now. I am even jealous. I am envious. I am jealous of the stuff that keeps being touched and used by you from time to time. It isn't just me and it isn't just her, it is what we are together that's the exception. It's what we a...